Wellbeing Guide 6: Co-Regulation

Parenting often feels like a delicate balance between guiding your child’s emotions and managing your own. Children experience big feelings they are still learning to navigate, and as parents, it’s natural to want to help them through these moments.

That’s why at Bright Horizons, we practise The Nurture Approach; a blend of our research-based holistic learning, alongside our support for children’s emotional wellbeing, all lovingly delivered by the expertise of our dedicated practitioners. And, because we know wellbeing is so important for young children, our Early Childhood Experts have created a series of Wellbeing Guides just for you. Through these guides, you’ll not only gain a deeper understanding of early childhood development, but benefit from expert advice on raising a happy, confident, and emotionally resilient child!

In this guide, our experts shed light on the importance of co-regulation - a compassionate approach that helps children learn emotional awareness and self-regulation while strengthening the parent-child bond.

What is Co-Regulation?

Co-regulation recognises that children, regardless of age, sometimes need the steady presence of a caregiver to navigate and understand their emotions. Rather than focusing on correcting behaviours in the heat of the moment, this approach emphasises uncovering and addressing the emotions driving those actions. Rooted in an understanding of child development, co-regulation acknowledges that a child’s nervous system is still maturing. During moments of emotional overwhelm, they rely on the calm and reassuring guidance of a trusted adult to regain balance.

Think of co-regulation as a partnership. You act as an emotional anchor, helping your child feel safe and understood. This doesn’t mean dismissing boundaries or letting go of expectations for appropriate behaviour; rather, it means addressing emotions first, then gently guiding your child toward better choices once they feel calmer.

By staying connected, offering empathy, and modelling calm responses, co-regulation helps children build emotional resilience. Over time, these shared moments of regulation empower children with the tools they need to self-soothe and manage their emotions, equipping them to face life’s challenges with confidence and composure.

A Guide to Co-Regulation

Focus on Feelings, Not Behaviour

When your child experiences overwhelming emotions, it’s easy to feel frustrated or unsure of what to do. However, focusing on their actions alone can lead to frustration for both of you. Instead, shift your attention to the feelings driving their actions. Children often communicate emotions—like fear, frustration, or sadness—through their behaviour. By addressing the root emotion, you help your child feel understood. Ask yourself:

• What might my child be feeling right now?
• How can I validate their emotions?

For instance, if your child becomes upset because it’s time to leave the park, try to focus on validating their feelings rather than hurrying them along. You might say, “I know it’s hard to leave when you’re having such a good time. I understand you feel disappointed.”

By staying close and offering comfort—whether through a hug, a soft voice, or just your presence—you help your child navigate their emotions without feeling alone. These moments of connection foster trust and strengthen your relationship, making it easier to address behaviours or problem-solve together afterward.

Validate Their Experience

Validation is a cornerstone of co-regulation. It shows your child that their feelings matter and that it’s okay to express them. When children feel understood, their distress often decreases. You might say something like, “It’s normal to feel sad when things don’t go the way you want. Let’s talk about it.”

By mirroring your child’s emotional state calmly and accepting their feelings, you help them recognise that all emotions are natural. This doesn’t mean agreeing with every behaviour—it means showing empathy for their emotional experience.

The Role of Time-Ins

A practical example of co-regulation is the concept of a time-in. Unlike traditional time-outs, which separate the child from the situation, a time-in involves staying with them to provide comfort and calm. This creates a space where you can listen to their feelings, help them identify what they’re experiencing, and work together on a solution.

For example, during a time-in, you might ask questions like, “What made you feel this way?” or “Can you tell me more about what’s bothering you?” This exploration helps you better understand their perspective while teaching them to reflect on their own experiences. It also reassures your child that you’re invested in helping them work through their feelings.

Use a Calming Space

Sometimes a change in environment can help reset a child’s emotions. Consider moving to a calming space—a quiet corner of your home, a garden, or even a cozy nook filled with comforting items. A soothing environment helps reduce external stimuli, allowing both you and your child to focus on emotional regulation.

While in this space, encourage calming activities such as reading, drawing, or simply sitting together quietly. You might also step outside for fresh air, which can naturally lower stress levels.

Label Emotions and Encourage Expression

Helping your child identify and name their emotions builds their emotional vocabulary. When children understand what they’re feeling, it’s easier for them to express themselves constructively. When your child feels overwhelmed, take the opportunity to label the emotion for them. For instance, you might say, “It looks like you’re feeling frustrated because the game didn’t go the way you wanted.”

By naming emotions, you help your child make sense of their experiences and give them the language to express themselves. Over time, this practice builds their confidence in handling emotions independently. It also sets the stage for meaningful conversations about how to talk about feelings openly.

Model Calmness and Regulation

Children are incredibly perceptive and often look to their caregivers for cues on how to respond to the world. If you remain calm during moments of heightened emotion, you’re modelling an important skill for your child. This doesn’t mean suppressing your own feelings—it’s okay to acknowledge when you’re upset or tired—but it does mean showing how to manage those feelings constructively.

For instance, if you’re both feeling overwhelmed, you might say, “Let’s take a deep breath together. I’m feeling a little frustrated too, but we can figure this out.” By sharing your process of calming down, you show that it’s okay to feel big emotions and that there are ways to work through them.

Reason After Calm Has Been Restored

Trying to reason with a child in the middle of an emotional moment is often counterproductive. Wait until they’ve calmed down before addressing the behaviour or discussing solutions. Use a calm voice to explain why certain actions aren’t appropriate and offer alternatives.

For example, you might say, “Now that we’re feeling better, let’s talk about what happened. Pushing isn’t okay because it hurts others. Next time, let’s use words to explain how we’re feeling.” This teaches children how to problem-solve while reinforcing boundaries in a supportive way.

Co-Regulation in Everyday Life

Co-regulation doesn’t have to be limited to moments of emotional intensity. You can incorporate it into your daily routines to build a foundation of emotional stability. Simple practices, like checking in with your child about their day, offering praise for their efforts, or spending quality time together, reinforce the sense of safety and connection that co-regulation relies on.

During transitions, like getting ready for school or winding down for bed, take a moment to tune into your child’s emotional state. If they seem anxious or resistant, acknowledge their feelings and offer reassurance. Small gestures, like holding hands or sitting together quietly, can be powerful ways to show your support.

These moments of connection may feel small in the grand scheme of things, but they lay the foundation for a lifetime of emotional wellbeing. The love, patience, and understanding you show your child today will help them grow into a compassionate, self-aware individual who can manage challenges with grace.

Have you missed any of the previous blogs within our Wellbeing Guide?

1. Wellbeing Guide Blog 1: Self-Regulation
2. Wellbeing Guide Blog 2: The Power of Positive Language
3. Wellbeing Guide Blog 3: Name it to Tame it
4. Wellbeing Guide Blog 4: Safe Spaces and Resources
5. Wellbeing Guide 5: The Benefits of Hugs

If you enjoyed this article and found it to be useful, you can check out more of our early childcare resources in our Family Resource Zone!

And, if you’re not yet a Bright Horizons parent, but are interested in what our nurseries can offer your child on their exciting educational journey, book a personal tour at your local nursery today!